Diary- Lessons learned from living in Sweden

Lately, I have been feeling an overwhelming sense of nostalgia. A longing for the crisp wintery smell of the air in my apartment in Bromma. Or the sense of familiarity of the Tunnelbanna approaching every 2-3 minutes in Alvik. Or maybe it was just the routine of the mundane grey life filled with the bleak Swedish faces. I'm not sure exactly what it is that has created a place in my heart, maybe its the recent super moon. Since this moon supposedly has you looking back to August and where you were in life up until now. And oh my, has a lot changed! I still cannot decide for the better, but change like any change is inevitable and whether you like it or not, it can teach you a lesson or make you miss the old that has passed.

This August if anyone would ask me if I missed Stockholm I would probably be happy to be moving on to a new chapter in life, and hopeful for what the future will hold at the new University. I was exhausted with organizing the international move almost alone and getting rid of most of my furniture and trying to figure out how to get my things from Stockholm to Frankfurt, and then ultimately to Amsterdam. No easy feat, especially without a car! (Big thank you to Felix, for helping pack and in the end keep me sane and organize all of this) Now before I start this I have to put a disclaimer that these are my own thoughts and reflections. I am by no means trying to offend or say that all experiences are the same. I know that I have been super fortunate to be able to live abroad and have this opportunity. I am not trying to bash on my experience, rather just share how I felt at the time. I love experiencing new cultures and I try not to impose my own. I know being an American makes it an easy target for me saying I am just being "American" and inconsiderate, but these are not my intentions. I am just living my life and recording my personal experiences and the lessons I felt that I learned from them! 

Now that I am reminiscing and looking back I can still say living in Sweden was tough. There is no doubt about that, but now I can see the lessons I learned and where I was able to grow as a person. Moving anywhere alone is difficult, you lose your support system and family. Adding a new country and continent just add even more to the list of daily challenges you will encounter. I remember it took me way too long to figure out how to pay a bill from the pile that kept coming in through my mailbox, and booking a doctor appointment! I had no idea! I'm still learning just when I had it slightly figured out, I'm now in the Netherlands and have no clue what I am doing here if anyone can assist I'd be appreciative! 

I still long for this false Scandinavian utopia that I romanticized and created in my head. It never truly existed and never will, except in my head. Maybe that is the first lesson, nowhere is perfect. Regardless of what people say there is no perfect place filled with super happy people and where daily life is a magical Disney movie. I know it sounds silly and naive that I thought that, but hey when you read all those articles about Danes being the happiest people in the world, and how the Scandinavian life is the highest quality you really set your hopes high. I think now I have learned, well I still try, to be a little more realistic and know that life will be tough regardless of where you are, and it is how you react to the adversary or deal with the daily challenges is what matters.

The second thing I struggled with was the feeling of always being an outsider no matter how hard I tried. It is difficult in Europe to go to one of the many countries with rich histories filled with the same type of people and having the sense of wanting to integrate but never fully being able to fully be one. I accept now that I am from the United States, I cannot change that. I grew up in a culture of many cultures and that is wonderful since regardless of who you are there will most likely be your people to relate and create a small support group. I believe no matter how unique you are in the US you could still make friends and find a niche to integrate. In Europe (Sweden, etc) there is the weight of the history thrust upon you that will never allow you to fully take part in feeling 100% a part of the group. There are such strong rich cultural identities that are amazing, but when you did not grow up in that rich history you can love and appreciate the traditions, but they will never fully include you. I am not saying one or the other is better, but that took me a while to realize and I had many disappointing days longing to be accepted and not realizing what I was doing wrong. Now I know it was nothing I was doing that was wrong but just a cultural continental difference that exists and it is neither bad nor good. Just something to keep in mind. 

The third lesson Sweden taught me was how to truly be alone. I know this sounds strange, but I never felt such an isolation as I did living in Stockholm. If you look at charts about Sweden you see it is a county that values autonomy. Autonomy in Stockholm was the right to be left the hell alone to be you in your complete alone-ness. That means no small talk or being disturbed by men at bars. I kind of miss this tranquil sense of living. Now when people talk to me I feel that awkward loss of the ability to make small talk! Why do people not understand that I wanted to be left alone! Oh Sweden, how I miss that peaceful aloneness and now I am forever altered. In addition to my loss of the capability of small talk this aloneness transcends to the fact that it was just me in Stockholm. I was faced with who I was as a person, did I like this person, where was I going, what was I doing there, was it smart to leave home? All these daily existential crises flooded my thoughts and made me insecure in the decision to leave. There is a constant comparison game that is present amongst your peers. Yet how can you compare when you are the only one deviating from the ones you compared to? So I learned to stop comparing, to trust myself where I was going, and since I could not compare I better at least like myself since it was just me alone. I learned to be alone and accept that I could be strong to deal with the fear in the back of my mind that something would go wrong and how could I deal with it alone. The fear that I would lock my apartment and no one had a spare key, how would I get in? Stockholm had me brutally face myself in the isolation, it was a reality check with my fears, but there is no doubt in my mind that having to flat out see them all, made me much stronger. 

Now I am saying that I was alone, but that is not entirely true. I made some amazing friends along the way. However cheesy or scripted this sounds I learned that some friends can become family. I needed to learn how to trust people. I felt like I always was a burden to my friends for asking for help in the strangest situations! (Tim if you read this, you have saved my life so many times and I am thankful for that from the concussion to midsummer!) You really do make your family with those around you to be there when you get a freak concussion in a train, or do not have water for three months in your apartment, or when a Doctor does not give you antibiotics... those are other stories, but I want to say I do see my friends from Stockholm as family, and I appreciate you and would return the favor anytime you are in need. Despite all these happy sentimental ramblings of gratitude I also learned some friends you thought were family end up not being friends at all. Distance and relationships are known to not go hand in hand. With this, you also learn quickly who your friends are and who becomes toxic. I learned fast that the need to be liked by all or be friends with everyone is not sustainable when you are moving constantly. I am sad for the friendships lost. Yet I learned how much more fulfilling it is to keep strong friendships with trust then unhealthy jealous frenemies that only drain you emotionally and bring you down. 

Stockholm was a wild ride, I am sad that it has come to an end, and there are many more lessons I learned there. I am proud to say I lived in such a beautiful city, and country. I will always feel a little bit Swedish. I witnessed the city and country come together after I was two blocks away from Drottninggatan that day the terrorism tried to break down a collective spirit. I just felt the need to write down what I learned for myself. To remind myself that the time spent there was not a waste. That those existential doubts and questions were there, but my doubts did not win. Since now I am doubting my current path and missing the old one. So this is supposed to renew my own faith that it will all be alright, and I will learn even more lessons. As long as I trust the journey.